Waiting for a “Why”

  • 4 years
  • 2 times my husband had robotic surgery slicing and dicing his family jewels
  • 3 IVF cycles + fresh embryo transfers
  • 2 Frozen embryo transfers
  • 4 pregnancies…..4 miscarriages
  • 8 babies transferred into my womb
  • 2 trips to the ER because of unbearable miscarriage pain
  • 2 adoption home studies
  • 2 matches with birth mothers who picked us and got our hopes as high as the heavens, then changed their minds and picked different families.
  • 1 match with a potential birth mom who decided to parent her baby.
  • 1 complete hysterectomy due to endometriosis, adenomyosis, and fibroids.
  • 1 death of a beloved dog….loss of my “fur baby”.

And here we are. Still waiting with empty arms. A fully furnished nursery with an entire wardrobe of baby clothes all washed and hung, diapers prepared and wipes on hand. Bouncy seats and baby bottles and carseat sit abandoned on the freshly installed carpet in the baby’s room….who may never come.

And I don’t understand why.

I’m angry, and sick with hopelessness. How long do you let your heart break for? Is this ever going to happen? I can’t imagine what the lesson is in all this anguish. I can’t help but feel like we are being punished. In church every week we state “God is good, All the time.” And I do believe that is true, but I cannot see the goodness in this path we have been on. It is over my head. Maybe it is some sort of butterfly effect and somehow somewhere these painful experiences we are going through have resulted in something wonderful. But I am exhausted. And having a hard time feeling like I even know what to do.

Is continuing to pursue having a baby and being a mother the wrong thing to do? Is it just never meant to happen for me and a waste of time? Or, is this a test to see how hard we are willing to work for it?

The uncertainty is nauseating.

The stakes are high. We have spent any extra money we had saved, and took out a loan for the last match we had. How deep do we dig the financial hole?

But, already I know her name. I feel her in my heart.

And, as my husband said a few days ago as he laid his head on my chest, my heart is still beating. I am not defeated. I am still here.

I just pray for guidance. The weight of the hurt and the stress of decisions for the future weighs me down like I’m wearing a cannonball around my neck. I just want something to feel right, and for God to wash away the fear and show me what our path is.

Photo by Jens Johnsson on Pexels.com

Beam Me Up

pexels-photo-827991.jpegI’ve been dreaming occasionally of the baby I lost most recently. I can see her just in the next room, but we are separated by a pane of glass with no door and no way for me to reach her. She is happy, and laughing, and when she sees me she grins from ear to ear. She has my smile, soft brown curls, and my husband’s beautiful brown eyes. Even though I can’t reach her, and I long to hold her, it gives me peace knowing she is there.

Can’t listen to this song without getting teary. Pink wrote this about her own miscarriage, and every word feels so true to me.

Pink- Beam Me Up

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IVF #1

Prior to IVF, I was a needle-phobe. I couldn’t even look when I got a shot or had blood drawn at the doctor’s office, and generally had to lay down for a few minutes afterward to compose myself before trying to drive. When we got my first big shipment of IVF medications, syringes and needles in the mail, I was a little bit overwhelmed. “T” is a bigger needle phobe than I am, so I knew I would be on my own as far as the needle sticking went. We developed a system where he would mix up my medicine and get everything ready for me, so all I had to do was give myself the shot. The first few times I tried, my reflexes got the best of me and I ended up stabbing myself several times per shot when I tried to stick it in then instinctively pulled back after the needle already pierced my skin. Gradually I got more used to it, and by the end I must say I was a pro. And it felt kind of badass to overcome a fear like that. Continue reading

Surgery #1…the journey begins

“T” had a vasectomy after “A” was born, which would require a surgery to repair, but we didn’t feel like it would set us back. I knew several people who had vasectomy reversals and went on to have more children easily. About five months after we had our initial consult with a urologist, “T” underwent the procedure in early 2015 and while we waited for him to heal I was sure that at our first follow-up appointment they would definitely see that it had been a success and we would be on our way to completing our family. I did all the research I could, and based on averages I estimated I would be pregnant by Christmas that year and planning for a baby in 2016. Continue reading