Two big, conflicting emotions

During this time, I got a call that I had been expecting for a while from my little sister: she was pregnant. 

I felt terrible because I could hear in her voice that it was breaking her heart to feel like she was breaking mine, at a time that should have been only joyful for her. It is a tough thing to convey, being happy for someone else when you are so sad and frustrated at yourself. Continue reading

“I’m so sorry…”

pexels-photo-359757.jpegThe next day, the spotting was a little bit heavier and slightly pink, so I shot an email to my IVF coordinator nurse just to fill her in and make sure I didn’t need to up my progesterone dose or anything. She called me back instead of writing, because she wanted to congratulate me herself (she had been out of the office the day I got my test results) because she knew what a nervous and rocky cycle I had, with all the slow-rising estrogen and follicle growing scares. She told me again the spotting and cramping were very normal and reassured me not to be worried. Continue reading

The pregnancy test taking monster

A few days later, I started feeling some pinchy pains in the front of my uterus, and just overall exhausted. Some say you shouldn’t take a home pregnancy test before you go in for your blood beta Hcg test, because it can give you a false result, but I couldn’t help myself. I picked up a few tests over the weekend and took one prepared for it to be negative since it might be too soon – 5 days after my transfer. I peed on the test and placed it out of my reach while I sat on the edge of the bathtub and waited for the result. After a few minutes had gone by, I grabbed the test, pulled it in front of my face, and slowly peeked through my squinched-shut eyelids at the tiny digital screen… Continue reading

IVF #1

Prior to IVF, I was a needle-phobe. I couldn’t even look when I got a shot or had blood drawn at the doctor’s office, and generally had to lay down for a few minutes afterward to compose myself before trying to drive. When we got my first big shipment of IVF medications, syringes and needles in the mail, I was a little bit overwhelmed. “T” is a bigger needle phobe than I am, so I knew I would be on my own as far as the needle sticking went. We developed a system where he would mix up my medicine and get everything ready for me, so all I had to do was give myself the shot. The first few times I tried, my reflexes got the best of me and I ended up stabbing myself several times per shot when I tried to stick it in then instinctively pulled back after the needle already pierced my skin. Gradually I got more used to it, and by the end I must say I was a pro. And it felt kind of badass to overcome a fear like that. Continue reading