WTF appointment #2

pexels-photo-263370.jpegTuesday rolled around, and I went into the lab at the clinic to get my blood drawn and officially finish my cycle. It was the day after a holiday so it was extra busy, packed with a bunch of excited women from the cycle waiting to get their blood drawn and hopeful to get their positive results. The lab tech gave me a big smile and asked if I have had a blood pregnancy test before. “Yeah, I have.” I told her. And left it at that. Continue reading

Deja vu and a trip to the ER

pexels-photo-263402.jpegThis time after transfer, I stayed pretty much in bed for a few days hoping that would help with implantation. “T” waited on me so I wouldn’t have to get up and around a whole lot. “T” and “I” had gone shopping with me a few weeks earlier, and we picked out a bunch of “lucky socks” that I could wear during and after transfer, because there is a thought in the IVF community that warm feet=warm uterus and that helps the babies implant. So I kept my feet toasty with socks covered in elephants (“I” said they are a symbol of luck and fertility) and rainbows (the symbol for a baby after a loss, and new hope) and words like “be confident”. Continue reading

IVF#2: Microdose Lupron Flare

I remembered my time with my old friend Lupron from early in the year, so I had some slight concerns with side effects…but the formula for the microdose is compounded and diluted so it gives a low dose of just enough medication to spike my own hormones right before I start stim shots, then suppresses ovulation afterward so I don’t lose all those eggs I am working so hard to grow. Continue reading

Two big, conflicting emotions

During this time, I got a call that I had been expecting for a while from my little sister: she was pregnant. 

I felt terrible because I could hear in her voice that it was breaking her heart to feel like she was breaking mine, at a time that should have been only joyful for her. It is a tough thing to convey, being happy for someone else when you are so sad and frustrated at yourself. Continue reading

“I’m so sorry…”

pexels-photo-359757.jpegThe next day, the spotting was a little bit heavier and slightly pink, so I shot an email to my IVF coordinator nurse just to fill her in and make sure I didn’t need to up my progesterone dose or anything. She called me back instead of writing, because she wanted to congratulate me herself (she had been out of the office the day I got my test results) because she knew what a nervous and rocky cycle I had, with all the slow-rising estrogen and follicle growing scares. She told me again the spotting and cramping were very normal and reassured me not to be worried. Continue reading

The pregnancy test taking monster

A few days later, I started feeling some pinchy pains in the front of my uterus, and just overall exhausted. Some say you shouldn’t take a home pregnancy test before you go in for your blood beta Hcg test, because it can give you a false result, but I couldn’t help myself. I picked up a few tests over the weekend and took one prepared for it to be negative since it might be too soon – 5 days after my transfer. I peed on the test and placed it out of my reach while I sat on the edge of the bathtub and waited for the result. After a few minutes had gone by, I grabbed the test, pulled it in front of my face, and slowly peeked through my squinched-shut eyelids at the tiny digital screen… Continue reading

IVF #1

Prior to IVF, I was a needle-phobe. I couldn’t even look when I got a shot or had blood drawn at the doctor’s office, and generally had to lay down for a few minutes afterward to compose myself before trying to drive. When we got my first big shipment of IVF medications, syringes and needles in the mail, I was a little bit overwhelmed. “T” is a bigger needle phobe than I am, so I knew I would be on my own as far as the needle sticking went. We developed a system where he would mix up my medicine and get everything ready for me, so all I had to do was give myself the shot. The first few times I tried, my reflexes got the best of me and I ended up stabbing myself several times per shot when I tried to stick it in then instinctively pulled back after the needle already pierced my skin. Gradually I got more used to it, and by the end I must say I was a pro. And it felt kind of badass to overcome a fear like that. Continue reading

“A little bump in the road.”

At our first IVF consult, our doctor seemed very confident that we would have success. We went over how the process worked, the cost (gulp), and timing. The final part of the consult was a quick exam of my reproductive organs, to make sure everything looked good to go before we scheduled the cycle and got started. As soon as the doctor began my ultrasound, his face grew concerned and he looked at me with sympathy in his eyes.

“Well, it looks like we have a little bump in the road here….you have endometriosis.” Continue reading

Surgery #1…the journey begins

“T” had a vasectomy after “A” was born, which would require a surgery to repair, but we didn’t feel like it would set us back. I knew several people who had vasectomy reversals and went on to have more children easily. About five months after we had our initial consult with a urologist, “T” underwent the procedure in early 2015 and while we waited for him to heal I was sure that at our first follow-up appointment they would definitely see that it had been a success and we would be on our way to completing our family. I did all the research I could, and based on averages I estimated I would be pregnant by Christmas that year and planning for a baby in 2016. Continue reading

First Comes Love…

When I first met the man that was to be my husband, I was going through a phase of my life that was centered on me. Making my way in my career, living in my own little one bedroom apartment just downstairs from a good friend who was also single and career-driven. I occasionally (frequently) would have a glass of wine and Pringles or candy for dinner. I was no kind of mother figure whatsoever. Continue reading