Sitting in the Stillness

Photo by Simon Migaj on

Not long after the expectant mother we were matched with earlier this year selected a different family, my sweet social worker Iva called and left me a voicemail. A local adoption attorney she worked with frequently and had known for a long time had a situation she thought we might be a fit for for an expectant mom in Texas. Unfortunately, my phone had glitched when she left the message, and one night a few weeks later at about 3 a.m. I was awoken by the “ding…ding…ding” of getting all the voicemails from the last month delivered all at once.

I expected that the window of opportunity had passed, but decided to call Iva back anyway to let her know what had happened and get more information. I told her we would be interested in the case and she said she would give the attorney my contact information and have him reach out to me.

A few weeks passed and I figured we were too late and that a different family had likely been selected. Then one evening, I got into my car to leave work and saw I had a voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize, and it was the adoption attorney. Right when I got home, I called him back and as we were visiting, the doorbell rang….this just happened to be the day that Iva was due to come to our house for our yearly adoption home study update. We were all amused by the timing, and the “hopeful” part of me that I had buried deep down after so many heartbreaks perked up a bit…maybe this was a sign? Maybe this was “the one”?

We had the attorney send our profile to the birth mother to review, and prayed and hoped that everything would work out. We got news not long after that she had selected us…I was stunned. “Is this finally happening?” I wondered.

I started to let the guard down that I had been hiding behind for years. I went into the nursery that had been too painful to be in for a long time, and started breaking back out the linens and clothes that had sat unused since our last match fell through. I started washing clothes, cleaning and planning. I told few people, because I knew how these things could go, and I wanted there to be as few people to update if it didn’t work out as possible. I wrote letters to the expectant mom, and she wrote me back. Everything seemed on track.

The due date for the baby came and went…she was still having conversations with the attorney (she was in prison so she had restrictions on her communication) and told him that she would be induced the following Monday. When the prison social worker told the attorney that the mother had gone to the hospital, T and I called into work, and packed our bags. We had flights to Texas ready to book and our eye on a hotel to stay at while we were there. Then we waited.

In the afternoon, T’s phone finally rang. I held my breath and tried my best to hear what he was saying….and when I made out “yeah….I understand….” I knew the news was bad.

The mother had decided to have family take care of her baby until she was released, and would not be putting her up for adoption.

The road T and I have been on has had many, many heartbreaking moments. Unpacking suitcases and putting away baby clothes that were washed, folded and ready for our daughter to wear was one of the most draining…I felt like my arms were made of lead, but I was hovering outside my body. This is happening AGAIN. How.

And why? My last post, before any of this happened, left me at a spot where I just couldn’t understand how it could get any harder…and yet it did.

My hope and prayer, is that this heartbreak had its purpose…maybe it was just to lead us to this attorney and his wife, who we really really trust and love, and they may be the road to our happy ending?

This summer, our church is doing a series on the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. As it happened, and I am sure not by coincidence, over the couple of weeks we were dealing with this hard situation the message focuses were Patience….and Faithfulness.

Faithfulness particularly stuck with me. The pastor talked about a difficult time in he and his wife’s lives, when she was diagnosed with cancer, and with all of the pain they were left feeling confused and asking God “Why?”. But when it comes down to it, it is God’s will and not ours that we need to be open to in our life, and instead of feeling frustrated and trying to fight it, we should be still and let him work.

The attorney reached back out recently; there is another situation they think we may be a fit for. The asked to submit our profile to the expectant mom, and we agreed. And now, we wait. We sit in the stillness and trust that wherever this road leads, whether to a happy ending or another challenge, God walks beside us through it all.

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