A little update on our FET round this month:
I started my cycle in late July and went in for my baseline ultrasound and to check my estrogen level. A new cyst had popped up to join my endometriomas, but it looked like a leftover follicle from last cycle, the nurse said. So we checked my progesterone level as well just to make sure I hadn’t ovulated and thrown everything off, and it came back low enough that we were cleared to move forward with the cycle. I know well enough that the two week wait is torture, but being my first FET and with just one frostie to thaw, the morning of my transfer was the longest of my life. I stayed home from work to relax and had my phone laid next to me on the bed, sure at any moment the clinic was going to call and say that my embryo had not survived the thaw and not to come in after all. My stepdaughter and I hung out all morning because I think she could tell I was nervous, and she made sure to help me locate my “lucky elephant socks” she picked out for me to wear during the transfer before my husband and I headed to the clinic.
We went in for our transfer at 1:30. I couldn’t believe it…it was actually “a go”. My embryo had survived the thaw and we were going to do this. We went through the regular routine to get geared up and head in the room, we are pros at this point as this is our third transfer this year.
The nurse brought in my keepsake embryo photo and it was the first time I had seen one of our little embies as an expanded blastocyst; in the past we have had somewhat early blasts that still look pretty bubbly, and the last transfer we did 3 day, 8 cell embryos since we only had three that fertilized normally.
I could remember being in that same room two months ago, making the decision to transfer two instead of all three per the embryologist and RE’s recommendations, and making the embryologist confirm to me that we were going to culture out that third embryo to see if it made it to blast…I did not want to leave it behind.
I could remember clearly getting the email from the IVF Coordinator while I was PUPO with the two 8 cell embryos that the third had made it to freeze, and not being able to wipe the proud smile off of my face at work. My little frozen ball of hope.
And then, laying there on the table, I was about to be reunited with that little ball of hope that I had felt such an protective attachment to since the very beginning.
The RE made sure to reassure us before she left the room that this was a brand new chance with a brand new embryo, and this COULD be our “one”, with a reminder to keep the positive thoughts flowing.
We headed home and I settled in for two days on my back in bed.
I wasn’t feeling much of anything the first 3 days after, and I was worried the embryo didn’t implant. Then I started having some light cramping and aching lower back pains day 4 and 5, and worried I was going to have a super early chemical again like the last round.
I decided to go ahead and try a Wondfro test on Sunday, day 4, just to see if anything showed up and feeling like I would be ok if it didn’t, since it is still pretty early.
I got a faint, faint second line. I double checked with another stick dipped in straight tap water, just to make sure it wasn’t an evaporation line, and sure enough, it was the real deal.
Starting Monday, I was on two-a-day test mania. I broke out the FRERs and the second line has been growing pinker and stronger. The lower back pain is persisting, but the cramping is light and only occasional. And I have been ravenously hungry ALL THE TIME and craving sugar which isn’t normally what I would reach for first for a snack.
Even with the positive tests and the symptoms, with 6 days until my beta and a track record of heartbreak, it has been hard for me to really believe this could be the time that I get my happy ending. I keep waiting for the terrible cramps to kick in, and checking the toilet paper every time I use the restroom for spotting to start. I feel like my heart is constantly in my throat.
But for today, in this moment, I Am Pregnant.
I am carrying a little living creation made from my husband and I’s love plus God’s grace and mercy.
When I pee on a pregnancy test…I get two beautiful, hopeful pink lines.
For today, I can daydream about what we will do for the baby’s nursery, and how we will reassign the bedrooms in the house. From what Google tells me, our little he or she would be due on Cinco de Mayo.
For today, when I feel like I can’t get enough to eat and my tummy rumbles, I can smile knowing it’s because my body is trying to prepare to carry a wee one.
And I know it could all be gone in a day, an hour, a moment. I know that all too well. But throughout these years of struggling with infertility, this is my most joyful time every cycle. The time where my heart is full and hopeful and I am normal. And maybe this is my time, and the joy will only be magnified as my betas rise and my ultrasounds show healthy development of this baby I have longed for for so long. Or, maybe I only have a brief time more of having this little living love inside me. So instead of stressing and worrying what tomorrow will bring, I am trying to just soak it all in and enjoy it.
For today, I Am Pregnant.