I don’t know when our little one will make their way into our life. Each day, month, year that goes by makes the dream seem less and less attainable, and chips away at my certainty that soon my arms and heart will be full with a squishy, perfect bundle of pure joy. But I do know one thing. I already love this someday child of mine fiercely.
There is always the comment when a new mom shares for the first time that her baby has arrived, that “she never knew she could love someone so much.” Truly a mother’s love is the purest and fullest love that perhaps we can know in this life. But I feel like those of us traveling the road of infertility know a love that is almost more intense than your average (beautiful) mommy baby love, if that is possible.
This thought process all came about in church last Sunday. The band sang the song “Fierce” by Jesus Culture, and I have heard it many times on the radio before, but this specific day the lyrics and message struck a chord with me.
Jesus’s love is so fierce for us that he went through every kind of torture, even stretching his arms out on the Cross to die for us, because he loved us so much….before we ever existed….that he wanted us to be with Him forever, and would do whatever it took to bring us together.
Nothing can come close to comparing to the level of Jesus’s love for us, but that feeling sure sounded pretty familiar to me.
We “infertiles” love our babies fiercely before we ever carry them in our wombs. The idea of them, is enough for us to suffer and push our bodies and our emotions to the edge of what we think we can handle, and then push further, because we are so in love with these little ones and want them to be here with us. We will fight with everything we have to bring them home.
Three years ago, I was a girl who got lightheaded at the sight of a needle in the doctor’s office. Now, I can stab myself in the belly 3, 4, 5 times a day without thinking twice. At least about anything other than how much I love this person I have never met, but yet is already a part of me.
Another song that is part of my IVF playlist and felt connected to this message, is “Though You Slay Me” by Shane and Shane.
I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering
It’s hard to even admit it…but this infertility is a blessing as much as it is a curse. (Saying that through slightly clenched teeth, by the way). It hurts. It’s a time of being lonely and feeling so misunderstood. It is unbelievably hard. But we are given a rare opportunity in this time of being broken down to know Jesus in the way he suffered for his love of us. To grow closer to Him by learning more about the way of His heart. It makes me feel even more loved and valued than I did before I started on this difficult journey.
So I will continue to love fiercely, be loved fiercely, and hold tight to my hope that one day my baby will be here with me, and the fight will be won.