Two big, conflicting emotions

During this time, I got a call that I had been expecting for a while from my little sister: she was pregnant. 

I felt terrible because I could hear in her voice that it was breaking her heart to feel like she was breaking mine, at a time that should have been only joyful for her. It is a tough thing to convey, being happy for someone else when you are so sad and frustrated at yourself.

She had been trying for a couple months and was able to fall pregnant quickly, which I was thrilled about for her…I love her so much and she deserves every happiness life can give her. She married her soulmate and best friend last year, they are well established in their careers and two of the most loving, supportive and hilarious people I have ever known. She and her husband are going to be absolutely amazing parents and I can’t wait to see how funny and smart their children will be.

pexels-photo-688675.jpegThe road of infertility is one I would not wish on anyone, especially not someone I love. But it’s hard…because at the same time I am reminded of my own struggle and it is hard to really get across my happiness for them through tears for myself, and to feel two big, separate, conflicting emotions at the same time. She will be having twins, and will be due about the time I would have been if I had not lost my April pregnancy. I am super excited to meet her little nuggets, but it will be tough watching her going through all the milestones that would have been the same as mine…milestones we would have shared together if things had worked out for me. I feel an additional loss in that I am missing this opportunity that would have been so cool, to be pregnant together with my sister. But, it is what it is…and my story is different than hers. Someday this will all make sense.

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