“I’m so sorry…”

pexels-photo-359757.jpegThe next day, the spotting was a little bit heavier and slightly pink, so I shot an email to my IVF coordinator nurse just to fill her in and make sure I didn’t need to up my progesterone dose or anything. She called me back instead of writing, because she wanted to congratulate me herself (she had been out of the office the day I got my test results) because she knew what a nervous and rocky cycle I had, with all the slow-rising estrogen and follicle growing scares. She told me again the spotting and cramping were very normal and reassured me not to be worried.

I went in for my 2nd blood test the next day, and then held my breath for hours knowing if I didn’t pass this test and have a good rising HCG number, it was game over for me. I got the call about two hours later.

“Your beta came in at 92 today… I’m so sorry….”

I knew immediately what it meant. I was losing the pregnancy. They have concerns if a number doesn’t double in 48 hours…going down meant there was no hope, it was a chemical pregnancy.

My workplace doesn’t have many private areas to take phone calls so I was sitting on the floor in the supplies closet talking to to the nurse. She said I needed to stop the progesterone, and that they would be monitoring me closely for an ectopic pregnancy, since I have such bad endometriosis, and if it was ectopic I would need surgery. We did not have any other embryos make it to freeze, so our next try would have to be a full cycle again. She told me if my HCG got down to zero quick enough, and I didn’t need surgery, we could try again in six weeks.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I called “T” to let him know, and told him I didn’t know what to do. I was sitting there on the floor of a closet and was going to have to go out and face everyone going on with their normal lives when mine had just been destroyed.

I slipped out of the closet and grabbed my things, told my few coworkers that knew what was going on that I got bad news from the nurse and was going home, and left in the rain (fitting…) to go back home and grieve in private.

I cried the whole way home, and when I got there “I” and “A” were in the kitchen. They looked at me with concern when I trudged in with my swollen red face, and I had to let them know that we weren’t going to have a baby right now…but we would try again. I put myself to bed and ugly cried the rest of the afternoon until “T” got home from work, then sobbed into his chest and soaked his shirt.

I had no appetite and would have gone all weekend without eating if “T” hadn’t forced me to. They say it is the hard times in life that strengthen you as a couple, and that is very true. He has been my rock throughout this whole process and I couldn’t have done this without him. He kept me nourished both physically and emotionally when I felt like a shell of a person and my hope was running low, and reassured me that this was God’s plan and that I had to hang on to my faith that things will come together the way they are meant to.

After I stopped the progesterone and really started my miscarriage, the pain was intense and I spent most of the next week curled up in a ball in my bed with a heating pad. Thankfully, my hcg went down quickly and a few days later was back at zero, so I dodged needing a surgery.

We scheduled a follow up with our doctor to see what might have gone wrong in our first cycle and plan for June. He said that my eggs looked good, the sperm looked good (for MESA sperm, when it is retrieved surgically it is always a little less quality but he didn’t have concerns with it), and the problem seemed to be that my embryos all went strong with their growth until day 3, then they slowed down and declined in quality. Thus why we didn’t have any to freeze. The only thing he could suggest is a different medication protocol for our next cycle, that would jump start my system so I wouldn’t have to be on the high-dose stim medication as long, and that may improve the egg quality. So we decided to move forward with the Microdose Lupron Flare protocol in cycle #2.


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