Sitting in the Stillness

Photo by Simon Migaj on

Not long after the expectant mother we were matched with earlier this year selected a different family, my sweet social worker Iva called and left me a voicemail. A local adoption attorney she worked with frequently and had known for a long time had a situation she thought we might be a fit for for an expectant mom in Texas. Unfortunately, my phone had glitched when she left the message, and one night a few weeks later at about 3 a.m. I was awoken by the “ding…ding…ding” of getting all the voicemails from the last month delivered all at once.

I expected that the window of opportunity had passed, but decided to call Iva back anyway to let her know what had happened and get more information. I told her we would be interested in the case and she said she would give the attorney my contact information and have him reach out to me.

A few weeks passed and I figured we were too late and that a different family had likely been selected. Then one evening, I got into my car to leave work and saw I had a voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize, and it was the adoption attorney. Right when I got home, I called him back and as we were visiting, the doorbell rang….this just happened to be the day that Iva was due to come to our house for our yearly adoption home study update. We were all amused by the timing, and the “hopeful” part of me that I had buried deep down after so many heartbreaks perked up a bit…maybe this was a sign? Maybe this was “the one”?

We had the attorney send our profile to the birth mother to review, and prayed and hoped that everything would work out. We got news not long after that she had selected us…I was stunned. “Is this finally happening?” I wondered.

I started to let the guard down that I had been hiding behind for years. I went into the nursery that had been too painful to be in for a long time, and started breaking back out the linens and clothes that had sat unused since our last match fell through. I started washing clothes, cleaning and planning. I told few people, because I knew how these things could go, and I wanted there to be as few people to update if it didn’t work out as possible. I wrote letters to the expectant mom, and she wrote me back. Everything seemed on track.

The due date for the baby came and went…she was still having conversations with the attorney (she was in prison so she had restrictions on her communication) and told him that she would be induced the following Monday. When the prison social worker told the attorney that the mother had gone to the hospital, T and I called into work, and packed our bags. We had flights to Texas ready to book and our eye on a hotel to stay at while we were there. Then we waited.

In the afternoon, T’s phone finally rang. I held my breath and tried my best to hear what he was saying….and when I made out “yeah….I understand….” I knew the news was bad.

The mother had decided to have family take care of her baby until she was released, and would not be putting her up for adoption.

The road T and I have been on has had many, many heartbreaking moments. Unpacking suitcases and putting away baby clothes that were washed, folded and ready for our daughter to wear was one of the most draining…I felt like my arms were made of lead, but I was hovering outside my body. This is happening AGAIN. How.

And why? My last post, before any of this happened, left me at a spot where I just couldn’t understand how it could get any harder…and yet it did.

My hope and prayer, is that this heartbreak had its purpose…maybe it was just to lead us to this attorney and his wife, who we really really trust and love, and they may be the road to our happy ending?

This summer, our church is doing a series on the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. As it happened, and I am sure not by coincidence, over the couple of weeks we were dealing with this hard situation the message focuses were Patience….and Faithfulness.

Faithfulness particularly stuck with me. The pastor talked about a difficult time in he and his wife’s lives, when she was diagnosed with cancer, and with all of the pain they were left feeling confused and asking God “Why?”. But when it comes down to it, it is God’s will and not ours that we need to be open to in our life, and instead of feeling frustrated and trying to fight it, we should be still and let him work.

The attorney reached back out recently; there is another situation they think we may be a fit for. The asked to submit our profile to the expectant mom, and we agreed. And now, we wait. We sit in the stillness and trust that wherever this road leads, whether to a happy ending or another challenge, God walks beside us through it all.

Waiting for a “Why”

  • 4 years
  • 2 times my husband had robotic surgery slicing and dicing his family jewels
  • 3 IVF cycles + fresh embryo transfers
  • 2 Frozen embryo transfers
  • 4 pregnancies…..4 miscarriages
  • 8 babies transferred into my womb
  • 2 trips to the ER because of unbearable miscarriage pain
  • 2 adoption home studies
  • 2 matches with birth mothers who picked us and got our hopes as high as the heavens, then changed their minds and picked different families.
  • 1 match with a potential birth mom who decided to parent her baby.
  • 1 complete hysterectomy due to endometriosis, adenomyosis, and fibroids.
  • 1 death of a beloved dog….loss of my “fur baby”.

And here we are. Still waiting with empty arms. A fully furnished nursery with an entire wardrobe of baby clothes all washed and hung, diapers prepared and wipes on hand. Bouncy seats and baby bottles and carseat sit abandoned on the freshly installed carpet in the baby’s room….who may never come.

And I don’t understand why.

I’m angry, and sick with hopelessness. How long do you let your heart break for? Is this ever going to happen? I can’t imagine what the lesson is in all this anguish. I can’t help but feel like we are being punished. In church every week we state “God is good, All the time.” And I do believe that is true, but I cannot see the goodness in this path we have been on. It is over my head. Maybe it is some sort of butterfly effect and somehow somewhere these painful experiences we are going through have resulted in something wonderful. But I am exhausted. And having a hard time feeling like I even know what to do.

Is continuing to pursue having a baby and being a mother the wrong thing to do? Is it just never meant to happen for me and a waste of time? Or, is this a test to see how hard we are willing to work for it?

The uncertainty is nauseating.

The stakes are high. We have spent any extra money we had saved, and took out a loan for the last match we had. How deep do we dig the financial hole?

But, already I know her name. I feel her in my heart.

And, as my husband said a few days ago as he laid his head on my chest, my heart is still beating. I am not defeated. I am still here.

I just pray for guidance. The weight of the hurt and the stress of decisions for the future weighs me down like I’m wearing a cannonball around my neck. I just want something to feel right, and for God to wash away the fear and show me what our path is.

Photo by Jens Johnsson on

By Next Christmas

pexels-photo-688019.jpegWhen we first made the decision to look into reversing T’s vasectomy, and try for a child of our own, it was later in the year and our surgery appointment was set for February of the year soon to come. I had researched every statistic that was out there on Google, and with the average time to get pregnant after a vasectomy reversal being one year, I thought it was completely reasonable to set my hopes high that by next Christmas, I would most likely be pregnant. Continue reading

Beam Me Up

pexels-photo-827991.jpegI’ve been dreaming occasionally of the baby I lost most recently. I can see her just in the next room, but we are separated by a pane of glass with no door and no way for me to reach her. She is happy, and laughing, and when she sees me she grins from ear to ear. She has my smile, soft brown curls, and my husband’s beautiful brown eyes. Even though I can’t reach her, and I long to hold her, it gives me peace knowing she is there.

Can’t listen to this song without getting teary. Pink wrote this about her own miscarriage, and every word feels so true to me.

Pink- Beam Me Up

Continue reading


A little update on our FET round this month:

I started my cycle in late July and went in for my baseline ultrasound and to check my estrogen level. A new cyst had popped up to join my endometriomas, but it looked like a leftover follicle from last cycle, the nurse said. So we checked my progesterone level as well just to make sure I hadn’t ovulated and thrown everything off, and it came back low enough that we were cleared to move forward with the cycle.  Continue reading

Onward to August

Screen Shot 2018-02-12 at 3.09.08 PMA quick update. We got the results of my bloodwork back from the recurrent pregnancy loss testing, and everything looked normal. After reviewing, the doctors felt comfortable with the images from my sonohystogram, so we are cleared to try an FET with our little frozen fighter embryo #3 in August. I am still on birth control pills for another week, and then I will stop those, start a period, start Estrace twice a day and pray harder than we have ever prayed before that #3 is the little one meant to be our take home baby.